pictures captions: plants and gifts meant for my former family pictured for them. some videos for them... posted in goodbye.

Animated short promised someone below...

Family doesn’t need to stress your luck.
Family:
Figures you in vs out not regularly.
Doesn’t need to stress your luck.
Is not a survival of the strongest.
Is not a test.
Is there.
Lacks an orchestra conductor. (It’s a cacophony.)
Boasts not. (Usually) Does not comparison shop its kids.
Will aggravate you. (Some.)
Wonders what you think instead of what all your secrets are.
 Family is not a test…
when you’ve already won.
Non-posers…
Don’t use you as a reward for strangers.
Don’t broadcast your vulnerabilities to convince other vulnerable people.
Understand that politics is intentional and family incidental. This shit happens
differently.
Won’t wear you as a fashion.
Won’t boast that family is disposable to advertise it’s scarcity.
Hasn’t put a lists of has-beens family out at the end of barbecues like a contest to be won.

For those who are real in the midst of that… thanks. Family happens I’m
sorry I had to go… I have to be true… treasure your own
realness… don’t let that go… your family may be involved in a party(parties)
your family is not one.
-April

' 
This page is really hard to hang out on for me and painful but I realized I explain most of it in bad quality audio.
I trusted someone other activists had once called an informant, they couldn't agree if for the cops or a party they didn't like. They didn't offer any hard evidence and I already knew the person so I didn't credit this, I also knew those people not so well.
Anyway I'm probably the last person it helps to say I think I may have accidentally trusted a cop or dishonest politician... I am just honest about the lapse.
Later this person became very important to me and a family member along with their family made up part of my family and I gave that person a lot of trust.
There were times that person fell through and I explained them away... but then there came more and more inconsistencies and a lot of dishonesty and acting differently than who she claimed to be and that became worse during the pandemic.
I began to have doubts but I told myself they were in my head but more and more people had to be lying for her to be even a little honest about some things.
I was trying to organize hesitant people like myself to go on the same vial together because not all shots are mixed the same and pressure Uncle Sam to share vaccines with people overseas who were dying without being given a choice whether to vax because Big Pharma is a greedy ableist human rights violating parasite to be specific. 
She offered to help and then claimed not to remember... she'd tell me just take the vax one day what's my problem and then the next demand I come over to help her without protection with this or that thing she wanted despite the danger of exposing me.
I tried to tell myself she was just irrational and not thinking straight because the world was traumatic.
I trust in people more than machines for various reasons... I was also unsure due to rare problems I'd be medically cleared, I wanted to record my call and in case of tech failure we both would. I told her she could be anonymous if she wanted to just listen in on the call and not talk but I didn't want to rely on machines alone.
The second time she agreed to help me it was only after being told she'd get to speak for me if I died, I let her think she'd do that alone, then I asked others to speak for me too if I ever died not to emphasize the parts of my identity that aren't marginalized but to remember the marginalizations that were shared by them.
What she did finally was, use her actual name on the call over and over but then when she found out my equipment made a bad quality audio she told me that my phone was compromised (we both agree on that) but that I was illegal and was breaking the law. She wanted me to think that my doctor was going to arrest me for sharing my own vax consult call. And finally I realized I'd been used and if I went right off... I'd likely help her use(scare) other people about something she made up to add drama to herself. Recording medical calls of my own is not against the law... it says right on the wait service... recorded for quality assurance.
Knowing she'd been lying a lot and caught in lies, knowing she'd been in past accused by other activists of being an informant, knowing I was hesitant but needed a vax according to my doctor and that I wanted to get one in a way that did not support Uncle Sam or Big Pharma's violations of human needs... knowing she'd deliberately tried to scare me and make it worse, knowing I lived next door to many vulnerable others, knowing if the line is compromised and she says this... it sounds as if she's confirming herself an informant...
she knew all this and also knew many others I knew.
Not from a single one of them did ever word come to take responsibility for what she said to tell me it was alright. Neither it seems did she warn any of my neighbors had she any reason to be nervous of me.

I waited at home day after day after day because this person was important to me so much... just in case my phone failed. She never showed up or sent anyone.
That's how I know.
If she's an informant I don't know... I know she uses people and her family and deliberately acts like one to bully marginalized people though so I can't blame the other activists in our environmental group that long ago claimed she was one. I don't know what it is they went through.
The day after that last phone-call I called other activists to apologize and walk balk my vouch that she was not an informant because I didn't know. I described what happened. I knew strangers would want to know who she is but I don't believe her family, some of them kids, deserve what comes from what she does, knows how she uses them, or understands what it is that goes on with the activists she keeps 'adopting' and discarding from their lives over and over again.
Knowing the other hesitant deserve to be warned is why I hung her name in a snowstorm just saying she doesn't speak for me or my doc and is not my advocate and if transparency is illegal then come and get me not explaining the whole mess. If you missed being out in the snowstorm I was still transparent. But I found an even better way to warn you. I swear off being represented like that from anyone who ever ran for office ever. Since then I have hung also many irrelevant names such as in the photograph. That will cut many other people out along with and it doesn't concern me. Politicians are always making rumors about other politicians but I don't have to confirm or deny who I had an issue with if I boycott them all from pretending to be a personal medical advocate or family member.
Time told her actions but it would take a greater sacrifice to let people know how I feel since I chose to minimize harm to my former family rather than confront this head on while I wondered if I'd survive this long. I am out here now and people are afraid I'll be alone... still trying to do what I feel is right. I am still not vaxed. And I have no idea what Uncle Sam does or doesn't have to do with it all. All we know is Uncle Sam has been generally busy... all over this mess... from telling people to drink bleach to telling people their unmasked vaccine would keep their vulnerable grandparents well two thanksgivings ago... to promising to vax the world... not really.
I don't know why I was so alone given I told what had happened but I think surveillance scares a lot of people into believing someone else is going to help somebody. Even for activists, and I had the 'scarlet letter' of hesitancy. Some people did show... but no one organized with one another for several months. By then... I had moved to plan Z. More about it when the public library computer room isn't closing.
I think if the hesitant want help we have to help one another vaxed people can be very nice but they just don't really understand what the pandemic was like for other people out there. Most of them think saving our lives should be about them saving people. We need peer support so we all can help save one another from whatever the shit we might have got used by... because we were objects to too many others out there, on both sides of the vax debate.

What these recordings are...

Editing her out of my own bad audio quality recordings... sounds even worse than on my cassettes erasing her in the shed. Loved ones who would/could not communicate off my compromised line with me spent months wondering what I'd do about this. I had to wait her out to prevent her using more people because it was obvious she couldn't make up her mind what story to tell on her own, having different versions of herself kept for different people... she neither helped me nor helped stop me do anything and never showed after trying to scare myself to explain. I waited at home for months just in case I'd miss her... that's how I know.

Pic Caption: signs in my window 1. reads "love" 2 & 3 are same as in next photo.

Saved by a crappy tape deck...

Pic caption: A picture of my beat up cassette player which is missing it's top plastic cover so I can see inside it.

Pic caption: signs in my window 2. reads: "Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, Kennedy's ghost, & everyone real who runs for office on fibbery is not my advocate doesn't speak for my doc & I."
3. reads: "If transparency is illegal come and get me."